The 3 types of daughters of narcissistic mothers

A Nullification

• • The daughter is never appreciated, is never shown gratitude, never received support or encouragement.
  • The daughter (unconsciously) gives up own important goals: education, marriage, children, etc.
  • Mother is always right, because “mother makes no mistakes”. And daughter is always wrong, because only “daughter makes mistakes.”
  • Daughter’s own activities, norms and values are dismissed by mother as stupid, worthless and unproductive.
  • Meeting mother’s needs in activities, norms and values are satisfying in the short term, but do not contribute to daughter’s self-esteem: daughter is still not good enough.
  • Daughter’s own hopes and wishes are not tolerated and are always subordinate to mother’s hopes and wishes.
  • Daughter increasingly sees herself as an extension of mother. Mother already sees daughter as an extension of herself.

Quotes: “My mom always comes up with arguments, so she can win the discussion ” “I try to earn my existence by being useful”

B Display of power

• • Mother decides what is and what is not allowed. Daughter is always wrong whether she follows the instructions or not.
  • Preferences are set by mom. Daughter’s preferences don’t count.
  • Daughter is constantly confronted with expressions of dissatisfaction.
  • Compliance with the rules or rebelling against them will have the same result: the daughter never wins! She’s stuck.
  • Mother humiliates daughter in front of others.
  • Mother cannot regulate her own behavior and is therefore erratic and unpredictable.
  • Mother’s display of power rises to the level of cruelty, such as knowing something is very important to daughter and then destroying or ruining it.
  • Mother does not set good boundaries and behaves inappropriately (indecent, transboundary, etc)
  • Daughter has no safe place, because mother is not stable, not reliable and daughter never knows what to expect

Quote: “I always had to wear clothes my mom chose, mostly blue, so I hated the color blue for a long time!”

C Shame

• • This is the result of display of power and nullification.
  • Daughter’s identity is based on inferiority, weakness, worthlessness, ineffectiveness and imperfection.
  • Daughter views her life as a life of service and suffering.

Women who have experienced this childhood mainly feel – even though they are adults now – inferior and worthless.

2 – ISOLATED CHILDHOOD This childhood is characterized by:

A Dependency

• • Mother restricts and checks daughter’s contacts, including friends. Mother sees other people as competition.
  • Mother needs daughter to provide for her needs. That is the only purpose daughter serves.
  • All the attention and energy in the household is drawn to mother, like a black hole! Everything positive is sucked into the black hole.
  • Mother’s presence is inescapable, unmistakable and memorable because of the attention-seeking behavior.
  • Mother tries to turn daughter against father because he is also a competitor!
  • Daughter should not pursue romantic interests
  • Daughter is not allowed to tell anyone about the level of control mother has.
  • Secrecy is an important part of this dynamic !!

Quotes: “She never has anything positive to say about other people” “We weren’t allowed to tell outsiders what our house was like”

B Blame

• • Mother blames daughter for everything (including her own shortcomings) without reason or without logic.
  • The daughter always distrusts mother, but also others. If someone asks something out of interest, then daughter will be suspicious, because she is so used to being manipulated.

Quote: “Mother was a master of hindsight blaming others and I don’t know when she tells the truth yet.”

C Envy and the creation of a facade

• • Mother disdains other people for enhancing her own worth.
  • Everything in the house must be perfect.
  • When daughter is complimented for her behavior, mother immediately takes credit and appears to be caring and sensitive.
  • Daughter should not be happy unless that happiness
  • (1) related to mother !!!!
  • (2) make mom look better.
  • (3) makes mother happy.
  • Daughter feels guilty when she is happy, without mother being around
  • Daughter should not receive empathy from others.

Quotes: “I can’t tell my mother about the good events in my life” “I could never talk about my life and explain things”

Women who have experienced this childhood mainly feel – even though they are adults now – focused on their mother and distrustful / distant towards other people and are very alert or very vigilant.

3 – DENIED CHILDHOOD This childhood is characterized by:

A Violence

• • To punish daughter.

B Threat

• • Daughter walking on eggshells and keeping mom from getting angry
  • Constant anxiety
  • Daughter is not only scared, she also has to secure her own safety!
  • Daughter is (unconsciously) careful in EVERYTHING: constant terror, constant fear!

Quote: “I’ve constantly made my mom feel good, just in case”

C Rejection

• • No basic safety (note: Insecure attachment increases the risk of developing psychopathy.)
  • Daughter is forgotten, ignored, left alone
  • Mother does not protect daughter against others, allows others to mistreat daughter. UNLESS it harms mother! Thén she is protective.

Women who have experienced this childhood mainly feel – even though they are adults now – insecure and (often) anxious.

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Source: ‘My life felt like a cage without an exit’ – narratives of childhood under the abuse of a narcissistic mother (https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/03004430.2018.1513924)